How much of a true Muslim are you?
Are you a ticking time bomb of malcontent? Has several centuries of persecution from the Crusader states left you with throbbing temples and weird voices in your head and a crushing desire to kill hundreds of infidels? Or are you just a normal guy in a burqa who wants to get on with his life? Just take this simple to use fun multiple-choice quiz and find out just how much of a Muslim fanatic you really are!
1) You are watching the news on TV. There is a report on the ongoing Palestinian-Israeli impasse over illegal Jewish settlements on the West Bank. You are incensed at the USA’s continual backing of Israel in any argument. What do you do?
a. Write a stern letter to the US Embassy and the Israeli Consulate in London, condemning their actions.
b. Refuse to buy any more McDonald’s Hamburgers or Jaffa Oranges.
c. Strap vast amounts of explosives onto your heavily pregnant wife and then drive her to a Pizza Hut in Tel Aviv and detonate her during a children’s party.
2) Your neighbour’s wife is sunbathing in their back garden in just a skimpy bikini. What do you do?
a. Have a quick ogle out the window after all; she has got smashing oompah-loompahs.
b. Ignore her, she can do what she likes, it is a free country after all.
c. Gather a baying crowd of your friends together, drag her into the street and stone her to death in front of her children.
3) An elderly Catholic gentleman gives a lecture in Germany. During this lecture he includes several quotes regarding a variety of major religions throughout the World and illustrates their perception to other cultures in times gone by. One such quote he uses is from a Byzantine Emperor from centuries ago who described the Prophet Mohammed as a bringer of Evil and violence. How do you react?
a. Read through the transcript of his lecture and highlight and underline the bits you find interesting.
b. Write a letter of mild rebuke to the Vatican, pointing out that Islam is a lovely soft fluffy faith, the religious equivalent of a small Labrador puppy.
c. Gather a huge baying mob of ill-educated psychopaths onto the streets waving placards and banners reading “BEHEAD THE POPE!” “ISLAM WILL DEVOUR CATHOLICISM!” and “DEATH TO ABSOLUTELY ANYONE WHO SAYS WE ARE VIOLENT, THE BASTARDS!” and set fire to a couple of churches. And shoot a Nun. In the back.
4) Your parents moved from grinding poverty in a Karachi back street to a smart, modern comfortable home in a pleasant suburb of an English midlands town. All of your wants in life have been catered for. How do you show your appreciation to this country which has given you so many opportunities in your life?
a. Become a local councillor for the local Government Authority and attempt to help the plight of other people of a similar ethnic back ground who have been less lucky than you.
b. Strive to make an even better life for your children than your parents did for you, working hard and enjoying the benefits of your new existence.
c. Ponce off to Afghanistan and learn how to fire anti-tank missiles, make videos of yourself dressed in combat fatigues, holding an AK47 and screaming passages from the Koran, declare death on anyone in the UK who might disagree with your point of view and then blow yourself up on a packed commuter train slaughtering innocent people by the hundreds.
5) You are a one-eyed, two hooks for hands, stark raving bonkers Imam from a disgraced Mosque in north London who has been spreading inflammatory texts to impressionable teenagers, urging his followers to attack and kill infidels and generally spending every waking hour slagging off the United Kingdom as a pile of crap that would disgrace the bottom of a latrine. How do you support your lifestyle and enormous family?
a. Get a job working long hard hours in a local hospital.
b. Do as much part-time work as you can spare when you aren’t frothing at the mouth at your local Mosque.
c. Sign on the dole and get every bloody hand out you can get even though you probably haven’t paid a single penny in income tax or national insurance over the past 20 years.
6) You are another stark raving bonkers Imam from another disgraced Mosque somewhere in London. Your many years of firebrand preaching of hatred and death towards all non-believers of your religion finally lands you in trouble with the authorities and you find yourself deported to the Lebanon. A short while after your deportation, Israeli jets start dropping bloody great big bombs almost smack bang on your front door mat. The British Royal Navy, on a mercy mission is helping evacuate people from this war zone. How do you react?
a. Sneer with derision at the British infidels with their fake concern for your Muslim brothers and sisters. You wouldn’t go back to that God-less island hell-hole of Britain if they paid you!
b. Gather your family and friends together and make a break for the quieter north of the country taking all your possession with you – anything rather than face the ignominy of crawling back to the British authorities for help. You are made of stern stuff!
c. Shit your pants as soon as the first bomb goes off and turn up white faced and trembling at the gang plank of the first British ship you see, begging, crying and screaming to be allowed back in to Britain, like a great big girly.
7) A small insignificant Danish newspaper prints a frankly pretty lame cartoon showing the Prophet Mohammed in heaven complaining that with all the suicide bombers that have been around lately, they are running short of virgins for them. How do you react when you are told about this cartoon? (Remember, you haven’t actually seen it!)
a. Snigger a little at the joke, but agree with your mates it is not that funny.
b. Shrug your shoulders and get on with what you were doing before.
c. Run screaming into the Swedish Embassy brandishing a sword, threatening to behead people who thought the cartoon was funny. Look mightily embarrassed as it is explained to you that this is the Swedish Embassy and the cartoon was actually published in a Danish newspaper, before rushing into the Danish Embassy with your sword and setting fire to a home made Danish flag, once again threatening decapitation to anyone who has any connection with the cartoon at all.
8) You are getting sick and fed up of constantly hearing people who know nothing about your faith, referring to Islam as a religion of violence and hatred. How would you go about disproving these beliefs?
a. Write an eloquent disclaimer in the letters page of The Times, littering your missive with many excellent quotes and references.
b. Appear on a TV chat show and prove what a calm measured person you are by laughing off these criticisms and giving a proper idea of what Islam is all about.
c. Hijack several aircraft full of terrified innocent people and crash them into a skyscraper, which then collapses killing thousands of people in the process.
9) Another suicide bomber has killed hundreds of innocent people and in recently broadcast video footage on Al Jazeera TV he is seen claiming he did this as an act of martyrdom in the name of Islam. The World and Middle East situation changes not one jot. How do you react?
a. Feel depressed that another young life has been wasted for no reason whatsoever.
b. Read the news avidly to see if anything happens.
c. Run out onto the street brandishing AK47’s, pictures of the dead man and copies of the Koran. Then dress your two year old son up as a pretend suicide bomber and parade the terrified looking child up and down in front of the baying mob of lunatics.
10) Another high profile western politician or journalist has written an item in a newspaper condemning Islam as a religion of hatred and violence. Hatred and violence erupt all over the Muslim world with people blowing up Western owned hotels and newspapers, unfortunately proving once and for all that the politician/journalist was right. How do you react?
a. Condemn the rioters as not being indicative of your average Muslim.
b. Condemn the author of the offending article for being insensitive to Muslims.
c. Say very calmly and collectedly that all faiths should just sit down together and have a dialogue so that this sort of thing doesn’t happen again. And when it does, then go on a huge and bloody rampage through a street somewhere demanding various people be beheaded for suggesting that Islam is about violence and hatred. (Continued forever)
So how did you get on? Check your answers here!
· If you answered mainly A’s then you are nothing more than a shivering infidel not worthy of shining the Prophet’s sandals and should therefore nip off and behead yourself immediately.
· If you answered mainly B’s then you are probably a sympathetic ear for any Muslim in this troubled world, but unfortunately as an unbeliever you are not worthy of being in the same room as a true follower of Islam and you are an infidel. So you’d better just nip off and behead yourself to save time.
· If you answered mainly C’s, then Allah be praised! You are a true Islamic Fundamentalist lunatic! Strap some more explosives on and head downtown to be amongst the unholy and let the evening go with a bang! You deserve it!
NEXT WEEK’S QUIZ…….
What sort of Muslim are you? Sunni or Shia? Who cares, you’ll be blowing each other up anyway! Bye!
Are you a ticking time bomb of malcontent? Has several centuries of persecution from the Crusader states left you with throbbing temples and weird voices in your head and a crushing desire to kill hundreds of infidels? Or are you just a normal guy in a burqa who wants to get on with his life? Just take this simple to use fun multiple-choice quiz and find out just how much of a Muslim fanatic you really are!
1) You are watching the news on TV. There is a report on the ongoing Palestinian-Israeli impasse over illegal Jewish settlements on the West Bank. You are incensed at the USA’s continual backing of Israel in any argument. What do you do?
a. Write a stern letter to the US Embassy and the Israeli Consulate in London, condemning their actions.
b. Refuse to buy any more McDonald’s Hamburgers or Jaffa Oranges.
c. Strap vast amounts of explosives onto your heavily pregnant wife and then drive her to a Pizza Hut in Tel Aviv and detonate her during a children’s party.
2) Your neighbour’s wife is sunbathing in their back garden in just a skimpy bikini. What do you do?
a. Have a quick ogle out the window after all; she has got smashing oompah-loompahs.
b. Ignore her, she can do what she likes, it is a free country after all.
c. Gather a baying crowd of your friends together, drag her into the street and stone her to death in front of her children.
3) An elderly Catholic gentleman gives a lecture in Germany. During this lecture he includes several quotes regarding a variety of major religions throughout the World and illustrates their perception to other cultures in times gone by. One such quote he uses is from a Byzantine Emperor from centuries ago who described the Prophet Mohammed as a bringer of Evil and violence. How do you react?
a. Read through the transcript of his lecture and highlight and underline the bits you find interesting.
b. Write a letter of mild rebuke to the Vatican, pointing out that Islam is a lovely soft fluffy faith, the religious equivalent of a small Labrador puppy.
c. Gather a huge baying mob of ill-educated psychopaths onto the streets waving placards and banners reading “BEHEAD THE POPE!” “ISLAM WILL DEVOUR CATHOLICISM!” and “DEATH TO ABSOLUTELY ANYONE WHO SAYS WE ARE VIOLENT, THE BASTARDS!” and set fire to a couple of churches. And shoot a Nun. In the back.
4) Your parents moved from grinding poverty in a Karachi back street to a smart, modern comfortable home in a pleasant suburb of an English midlands town. All of your wants in life have been catered for. How do you show your appreciation to this country which has given you so many opportunities in your life?
a. Become a local councillor for the local Government Authority and attempt to help the plight of other people of a similar ethnic back ground who have been less lucky than you.
b. Strive to make an even better life for your children than your parents did for you, working hard and enjoying the benefits of your new existence.
c. Ponce off to Afghanistan and learn how to fire anti-tank missiles, make videos of yourself dressed in combat fatigues, holding an AK47 and screaming passages from the Koran, declare death on anyone in the UK who might disagree with your point of view and then blow yourself up on a packed commuter train slaughtering innocent people by the hundreds.
5) You are a one-eyed, two hooks for hands, stark raving bonkers Imam from a disgraced Mosque in north London who has been spreading inflammatory texts to impressionable teenagers, urging his followers to attack and kill infidels and generally spending every waking hour slagging off the United Kingdom as a pile of crap that would disgrace the bottom of a latrine. How do you support your lifestyle and enormous family?
a. Get a job working long hard hours in a local hospital.
b. Do as much part-time work as you can spare when you aren’t frothing at the mouth at your local Mosque.
c. Sign on the dole and get every bloody hand out you can get even though you probably haven’t paid a single penny in income tax or national insurance over the past 20 years.
6) You are another stark raving bonkers Imam from another disgraced Mosque somewhere in London. Your many years of firebrand preaching of hatred and death towards all non-believers of your religion finally lands you in trouble with the authorities and you find yourself deported to the Lebanon. A short while after your deportation, Israeli jets start dropping bloody great big bombs almost smack bang on your front door mat. The British Royal Navy, on a mercy mission is helping evacuate people from this war zone. How do you react?
a. Sneer with derision at the British infidels with their fake concern for your Muslim brothers and sisters. You wouldn’t go back to that God-less island hell-hole of Britain if they paid you!
b. Gather your family and friends together and make a break for the quieter north of the country taking all your possession with you – anything rather than face the ignominy of crawling back to the British authorities for help. You are made of stern stuff!
c. Shit your pants as soon as the first bomb goes off and turn up white faced and trembling at the gang plank of the first British ship you see, begging, crying and screaming to be allowed back in to Britain, like a great big girly.
7) A small insignificant Danish newspaper prints a frankly pretty lame cartoon showing the Prophet Mohammed in heaven complaining that with all the suicide bombers that have been around lately, they are running short of virgins for them. How do you react when you are told about this cartoon? (Remember, you haven’t actually seen it!)
a. Snigger a little at the joke, but agree with your mates it is not that funny.
b. Shrug your shoulders and get on with what you were doing before.
c. Run screaming into the Swedish Embassy brandishing a sword, threatening to behead people who thought the cartoon was funny. Look mightily embarrassed as it is explained to you that this is the Swedish Embassy and the cartoon was actually published in a Danish newspaper, before rushing into the Danish Embassy with your sword and setting fire to a home made Danish flag, once again threatening decapitation to anyone who has any connection with the cartoon at all.
8) You are getting sick and fed up of constantly hearing people who know nothing about your faith, referring to Islam as a religion of violence and hatred. How would you go about disproving these beliefs?
a. Write an eloquent disclaimer in the letters page of The Times, littering your missive with many excellent quotes and references.
b. Appear on a TV chat show and prove what a calm measured person you are by laughing off these criticisms and giving a proper idea of what Islam is all about.
c. Hijack several aircraft full of terrified innocent people and crash them into a skyscraper, which then collapses killing thousands of people in the process.
9) Another suicide bomber has killed hundreds of innocent people and in recently broadcast video footage on Al Jazeera TV he is seen claiming he did this as an act of martyrdom in the name of Islam. The World and Middle East situation changes not one jot. How do you react?
a. Feel depressed that another young life has been wasted for no reason whatsoever.
b. Read the news avidly to see if anything happens.
c. Run out onto the street brandishing AK47’s, pictures of the dead man and copies of the Koran. Then dress your two year old son up as a pretend suicide bomber and parade the terrified looking child up and down in front of the baying mob of lunatics.
10) Another high profile western politician or journalist has written an item in a newspaper condemning Islam as a religion of hatred and violence. Hatred and violence erupt all over the Muslim world with people blowing up Western owned hotels and newspapers, unfortunately proving once and for all that the politician/journalist was right. How do you react?
a. Condemn the rioters as not being indicative of your average Muslim.
b. Condemn the author of the offending article for being insensitive to Muslims.
c. Say very calmly and collectedly that all faiths should just sit down together and have a dialogue so that this sort of thing doesn’t happen again. And when it does, then go on a huge and bloody rampage through a street somewhere demanding various people be beheaded for suggesting that Islam is about violence and hatred. (Continued forever)
So how did you get on? Check your answers here!
· If you answered mainly A’s then you are nothing more than a shivering infidel not worthy of shining the Prophet’s sandals and should therefore nip off and behead yourself immediately.
· If you answered mainly B’s then you are probably a sympathetic ear for any Muslim in this troubled world, but unfortunately as an unbeliever you are not worthy of being in the same room as a true follower of Islam and you are an infidel. So you’d better just nip off and behead yourself to save time.
· If you answered mainly C’s, then Allah be praised! You are a true Islamic Fundamentalist lunatic! Strap some more explosives on and head downtown to be amongst the unholy and let the evening go with a bang! You deserve it!
NEXT WEEK’S QUIZ…….
What sort of Muslim are you? Sunni or Shia? Who cares, you’ll be blowing each other up anyway! Bye!
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