Gillian McKeith

Gillian McKeith. Sorry, Doctor Gillian McKeith. Or should that be "Doctor" Gillian McKeith? (Heck, if I knew I could get a medical qualification and a Channel 4 TV series from the University of Rednecks in Hicksville, Louisiana, I would have applied years ago). For those of you not in the know, and surely there can be few of you, Gillian McKeith presents a toe-curlingly embarrassing TV programme on Channel 4 entitled "You Are What You Eat". If this title is to be believed then "Dr" McKeith has obviously been chowing down on Gollum's little brother of late. Every show is the same. First we see some human being, who appears to be the unnatural off-spring of a doomed relationship between a water-bed and a gannet, who spends every waking hour shovelling every conceivable item of high-fat, high-cholesterol, and sugar-infused junk food into their gaping maw. Then "Dr" McKeith arrives with a face like Kenneth Williams sucking ear-wax off a razor blade. She rummages through their fridge, freezer and food cabinets. Guess what she finds? Well, lawks-a-mercy! It appears to be piles and piles of high-fat, high-cholesterol, and sugar-infused junk food! Goodness me! Does she find any fresh fruit or vegetables? Well bugger me backwards, no she bleeding-well doesn't. Is she pleased? Her normal facial expression goes way off the top end of the "SOURNESS" richter scale, but at this juncture in most programmes, she is positively stratospherically sour. Next she gets all the junk food that the aforesaid water-bed/gannet hybrid has managed to chomp through in a week, and piles it up on a table for the poor mongrel to look at. She asks them how they feel about it. Lets be honest - most of them are thinking "PARTY!" and are just preparing to launch themselves into a swan-dive onto the profitterole and chicken nugget mountain, when they realise that the sour-faced hobbit creature infront of them is expecting a slightly different reaction. So they obediently shake their heads and tut-tut quietly to themselves. Next we come to the highlight of every show. "Dr" McKeith gets the water-bed/gannet creature to shit into a tupperware sandwich box. Fantastic! Who said variety was dead? She then analyzes the turd and invariably reports back to the poor sod who has brought this upon themselves, that their crap "stinks". Now, stop me if I am wrong, but have YOU ever, EVER crimped off a length and then found yourself going "blimey, that smells good! A sort of subtle mixture of parma violets and fresh mown grass..." NO! Of course you haven't. Crap stinks! I would be round at my Doctor's surgery (that is a real Doctor of course) first thing if I ever produced a Dreadnought that smelt of anything other than fecal material. Finally, she tells the huge person that if they keep eating the high-fat, high-cholesterol, and sugar-infused junk food, they will die. Now you don't have to be a rocket-scientist to work that one out. I could have told them that. My four-year-old son could have told them that. Bloody hell, even George-W-fucking-Bush could have told them that! She ends up leaving them with piles of fresh fruit and veg, half a ton of her own curious mixtures of mulches, weeds, seeds and brown knobbly things and buggers off. And guess what? When she comes back - THEY HAVE LOST WEIGHT! "Dr" McKeith invariably puts this down to the healthy food she has left for them. I reckon the poor fat bastards have simply starved rather than eat the food Gillian has left which appears to be the scraped out remnants of a recently used cat litter tray. This woman has the gall to call herself an expert. Telling fat people to stop chomping chips, chocolate and fizzy pop drinks or they'll die is about as medically astute and clever as pointing out to someone about to leap off an office block that they might do themselves a mischief when they re-make an acquaintance with terra firma. And yet Channel 4 are obviously paying her vast sums of money for this "expertise". For that reason alone she would deserve a place in Room 101, but it is her complete lack of a sense of humour. Have a look at any of the pictures of her on the internet where she is "smiling". I have to put that in inverted commas as she is not smiling, she is simply contorting her face into what she thinks is a smile. Another reason I cannot stand her is how she looks. If she is supposed to be an advert for her so-called healthy diet then pass the lard, please. She hasn't even got an arse! Look at her! Most women have lovely rounded bottoms, even very skinny women. But "Dr" McKeith appears to have had a buttock-ectomy. Either that or she keeps two planks of 4 x 2 down the back of her slacks. I can think of no-reason why this woman should not be condemned to my own personal Room 101. Oh, and she has funny low-set ears which give her the impression of having just been welted on the back of the nut with a shovel.